In a marriage, in any relationship, does communication create a connection or does the connection create communication? We often hear that communication is the key to a good marriage. But just because that’s what we hear, is it right?
I would argue that connection (not communication) is the key to a good marriage, and the stronger the connection is the more communication there will be. To put it another way – good communication in a marriage is the result of a strong connection.
If you’re religious, when you feel the most connected to God, how is your prayer life? When you don’t feel as connected to God, how is your prayer life?
When you’re out with a group of friends, do you tend to talk more with the people you have a good connection with or the people you don’t know very well?
What about at work? Who do you spend more time talking to? People you’re connected with or people you don’t interface with often?
Taryn has two old, good friends that, for the past 10 years, she sees once a year at best. It’s amazing to watch what happens when they see each other again. After the hellos, the conversation picks up like they saw each other the day before.
You may have relationships just like that. If communication was the critical part of those relationships, there would no longer be a relationship. But the relationship still survives. It survives because of the connection that they have with each other.
I’m not trying to lessen the importance of communication because it is important in a relationship. Communication is even somewhat reciprocal with connection (the more we communicate the more we connect), but connection is much more critical to the relationship.
The point to all of this is if there is no connection, there is no communication. So, if connection is so important how do we become more connected? Here are 3 things to consider:
I know. You’re thinking, “you just told me communication doesn’t build connection”. But in this case, I’m talking about intentionally sitting down and talking to learn more about each other. Intentionally communicate to build connection. Get to know each other on a deeper and deeper level. To get you started, you can work through these 50 questions, or complete these Relationship Challenges.
2. Spend Time Together
Do as much as you can together. Find some hobbies or other activities that you enjoy doing together and do them as much as possible. Go on as many dates as you can together. Spend time with the person with whom you get to share your life. Make your spouse a higher priority than friends.
3. Focus on The Positive
We tend to only notice and address the negative things in life – even in our relationships unless we work at noticing the positive things. Do everything you can to focus on the positive aspects of your spouse. Every day write down 5, 10, 20 things you love about your spouse. Even if you don’t mention these things to your spouse (but it would be great if you do) noticing the positive will build up the relationship. Noticing the negative tears down the relationship.
If your relationship is important to you, you already have a connection. The key is to build it. Make it stronger. Try the things above. Try some other things you’ve heard of or that you already do. Build the connection – then notice how the conversation comes automatically.
Question: What do you do to build connection in your relationship? Please share it with everyone in the comments section below.